Episode 1: The Engagement (The Pilot)

Let’s dive right in and meet the characters:

Dorothy comes home to the Golden House, complaining about the kids she substitute teaches (one of her defining characteristics) to some guy who’s making enchiladas for the Golden Girls:Rose enters, complaining about how all the people who visit/call the Grief Counseling Center where she works are depressing to deal with.

Next, Blanche (who’s headed out on a date) enters:Blanche grabs some cucumbers from the fridge to reduce swelling around her eyes and Rose asks if they help with your thighs and Blanche says she wouldn’t know, her thighs are perfect. Burn!

Anyway, Blanche leaves & Dorothy laments about how old & wrinkled she herself feels/is, until Blanche comes back in, talking about all the sex she’s gonna have during & after her date.

The she lets slip that her date (Harry), proposed to her:Blanche tries to leave for her date/engagement but the other Golden Girls are all, “HELL-TO-THE-NO!” and chase her into the living room to get the 411.

Blanche tells them she has some thinking to do about the proposal and Rose (astutely) wonders what will happen to the rest of the Golden Girls if Blanche gets married because Blanche owns the house they all live in.

Rose says they have no money or collateral to get a home loan, only a gay cook.

SIDE NOTE: Now we know who the guy making enchiladas in the kitchen is.

Sophia arrives for the 1st time at the Golden House.

The rest home she lived in (Shady Pines) burned down and I’m not sure if it’s addressed, but I’m pretty sure she burned the place down herself because she hated it there (one of her defining characteristics).

When Sophia meets Blanche for the 1st time, she says, and I quote:SIDE NOTE 2: When Sophia goes to get some food in the kitchen – and refers to their gay cook (who’s making enchiladas) as fancy and a petunia – Blanche mentions how Sophia had a stroke a while back and it destroyed her ability to sensor herself before she speaks. Sophia re-enters complaining about all the ethnicity in Miami.

Man, I never knew there was a medical reason for how awesome Sophia is!

Harry shows up and he & Blanche leave while Dorothy and Rose worry about having to move out of the Golden House.

Sophia makes a crack about how she hopes Harry took Blanche someplace cold, so her make-up won’t melt off.

We fade to the back area of the Golden House where the gay cook is still hanging around, pouring wine, while Rose talks about how Blanche made a date with a guy at her own husband’s funeral, cuz being a nympho is one of Blanche’s defining characteristics.

Rose reminisces about her dead husband Charlie and Blanche finally returns home from her date.

The other Golden Girls want to know if Blanche accepted Harry’s proposal:Discussions of logic, reason, feelings & love give way to an argument about whether or not oysters move on their own and Blanche says she’s getting hitched next week.

After my pee break, we’re back and Blanche tells the girls to start packing, which leads Dorothy to recall another failure of hers: her 1st marriage to Stan (which is another thing she complains about throughout the series and a 2nd defining characteristic).

The Golden Girls then sit around & complain about being old; having to get up to pee 10 times a night, etc.

Sophia says she doesn’t have that problem: she pees once a day at 7am…but doesn’t wake ’til around 8am. Ha!

There’s another shot of the exterior of the Golden House and then we’re in Blanche’s room, 12 minutes from the wedding.

Rose enters, telling Dorothy that she has a bad feeling about Harry and that her feelings are always right.

We almost got a “Back in St. Olaf” story, but Dorothy cut her off:Blanche comes out of the bathroom and it’s time for the wedding, but Harry doesn’t show up.

But the gay, black guy from Designing Women does (as a cop):Officer Fabulous informs Blanche that groom’s been arrested for bigamy and he’s also nice enough to bring her a note for Blanche from Harry.

The letter basically says that he loves her and he’s sorry he’s from Utah.

The exterior of the Golden House makes another appearance (which is probably why the producers get rid of Coco; no need for 2 inanimate objects hanging around).

Finally, we fade to the back area of the Golden House again.

The Golden Girls are lounging in chairs and Dorothy makes a bunch of racially-charged, stereotypical observations about how different cultures deal with grief and mentions that Blanche hasn’t been to her job at the museum in several days.

SIDE NOTE 3: Before having watched the show again, I just kind of assumed Blanche was a sugarbaby.

Sophia tells everybody to shut the hell up and Blanche suddenly feels better, cuz we’re out of time.

Roll Credits.

St. Loaf Stories: 1/2
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with: 2
Picture It Stories from Sophia: 0
Number of times Dorothy complained about teaching & her ex: 4
Unanswered Question: Where’s My Enchilada?

Episode 2: Guess Who’s Coming to the Wedding?

SIDE NOTE: Didn’t we just have a wedding-themed episode? Oh well, I guess that’s what you get when you have four Alzheimer’s-age ladies in the same show; nobody remembers what they did last week.

After the Intro, where we thank each other for being a friend:SIDE NOTE 2: Related to THE Bogart?

Anyway, Dorothy’s worried about her daughter not finding the Golden House because she herself is shitty at giving directions & GPS is a couple decades away.

SIDE NOTE 3: There was a reference to an atlas, which made me wonder: If a teenager saw this rerun, would they even know what that is?

Rose makes some tea for everybody because she’s just as sweet as that tea she made and the Golden Girls all discuss how Dorothy’s daughter’s been dating a doctor for 6 months.

Said daughter arrives shortly, with big news: she and the doc are getting married in a couple days in the Bahamas…but none of the Golden Girls are invited.The reason for the lack-of-invites?

Dorothy can’t get along with her ex-hubby (Stan) and the daughter don’t want no drama on wedding day, which sounds completely reasonable.

Eventually, Dorothy hounds & guilts her own daughter into having the reception at the Golden House (without bothering to wonder or check if Dennis — Dorothy’s daughter’s fiancee — has an issue with it).

Dorothy also begrudgingly says that Stan can come to the wedding because she knows this is probably the only shot at happiness her donkey-faced daughter has.

SIDE NOTE 4: To ensure that Dorothy will keep the peace come the wedding day, her daughter has Dorothy call Stan to invite him to prove that she can keep her composure. The call was kinda brutal and mainly consisted of Stan pretending he could barely remember who Dorothy was. Harsh!

We fade to the kitchen later that day, where Dorothy, Sophia & Blanche are working on wedding decorations (including glasses of rice to throw, which made me fondly recall how nobody cared about stinky old birds in the 80’s).

Rose asks everyone except Sophia to come into the living room and breaks the news that Sophia has been pilfering/eating the cheeseballs Rose made for the wedding.

Sophia walks in eating one & doesn’t seem to care and I think that’s it for the B-Plot.

A bit later, Dorothy’s daughter & Dennis show up and Dorothy is shocked, SHOCKED to learn that Dennis is a podiatrist/foot doctor.

She immediately thinks less of him, cuz in TV World, any M.D. other than a Heart Specialist is like being a Proctologist, guys.Then Rose asks Dennis if he’s ever met Dr. Scholl and I snickered.

Blanche, Dorothy and (even) Rose, rag on Dennis about dealing with people’s stinky feet all day, but Sophia tells him not to worry: he’s still young and could still become a real doctor. No joke.

Stan shows up and I understand why Dorothy’s daughter is so ugly:Stan tries to catch up on old times with Sophia, who tells him that (thankfully) she had a stroke and barely remembers him and Blanche makes a comment about sex, cuz it’s been 9 minutes.

They all head out to the chapel, but 2nd episodes aren’t budgeted for weddings, so we’re back at the Golden House for the reception.

Dorothy gets busy insulting Stan and Rose tries to push her cheeseballs off on everybody, but only Sophia likes them, while Blanche reminisces about a Cabana boy she used to fuck, cuz nymphomania.

Dorothy & Stan trade more insults for a while & Sophia bitches that she can’t cut loose at the reception because somebody invited their priest.

We fade to Dorothy’s bedroom & even though the heart-warming music doesn’t come on, Sophia enters, telling Dorothy that her anger is gonna give her blisters on her insides if she lets it eat at her and then Dorothy will be stuck just eating jello.

What do you want? She had a stroke.Eventually, the reception is over and Dennis & Donkey Face leave. Everybody throws rice, cuz fuck birds.

Dorothy asks to speak to Stan out in the back porch area and she gives a really heartfelt speech about how she deserved better than for Stan to just up and leave her after the 38 years they were together and everything they’d gone through.

SIDE NOTE 5: Stan just up & left her; a few months later, his lawyer called to Dorothy her marriage was over.

Finally, Dorothy gets to have a proper goodbye by way of making Stan feel like shit (which he deserved and stood around for).

Afterward, Stan leaves & the other Golden Girls run out to the back area to comfort Dorothy.

But Dorothy’s ok, cuz she stole Stan’s toupee:Roll Credits.

St. Olaf Stories: 0 (sadly)
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with: 2
Picture It Stories from Sophia: 0
Number of Times Dorothy complained about teaching & her ex: 19
Unanswered Question: How much does a podiatrist make?

Episode 3: Rose the Prude

The episode starts with Sophia & Dorothy in the back patio area playing cards.

Sophia complains about what a crappy player Dorthy is & jokes about drugs & death.

I love you, Sophia. Blanche pops in (out) to say hello before her date with 2 guys, cuz doesn’t feel like being tag-teamed tonight.

Sophia offers to join in the fun, but Blanche turns her down. Blanche pleads with Dorothy to go on the double-date, but gets turned down, cuz karma.

Rose shows up & says that dating men is pointless, because her dead hubby Charlie was the best man who ever lived, but eventually Blanche convinces Rose to go.

Sophia crushes Dorothy at their card game of gin rummy, continuing a 30-year undefeated streak (Goldberg who?).

After my pee break, Blanche & Rose come home from their double-date. Rose’s went great.

Blanche’s went so badly, she vows that in the future, she’s willing to get tag-teamed no matter how she feels before she’ll let another woman horn in on her action.

The next day, Blanche insults Dorothy’s teaching job (instead of Dorothy just complaining about it herself, which throws off my count, but was a nice change of pace).

Sophia enters with a bunch of Polaroids and says that she & a bunch of her friends send in their pics to Willard Scott every week, claiming they’re 100 years old.

My older readers know why that’s funny.

Rose shows up, back from another date with the guy from the 1st date.

His name’s Arnie. You recognize him:After Arnie/Miles leaves, Rose is suddenly quiet & Dorothy makes a joke about New Coke.

After some prodding, the other Golden Girls find out that Rose is nervous about doing the horizontal mambo with Arnie on a cruise he invited her on, because she hasn’t had sex since her dead hubby died. She mentions that she was a virgin until her wedding night & that he was her only lover, ever (firmly backing up all the claims I’ve made about Rose being wonderful).

When Blanche expresses disbelief that anyone could go without sex for more than a few minutes, Dorothy implies that Blanche is a port for the Navy.

SIDE NOTE: Ok, she doesn’t imply it; she says it flat-out.

Next, we’re on the boat:SIDE NOTE 2: I was hoping Arnie/Miles & Rose would be on The Love Boat:In their room, Ol’ Arnie’s macking on Rose with everything he’s got, which is a boom box & a terry cloth robe:Unfortunately for him, all Rose wants to talk about is how alike her dead hubby (Charlie) and Arnie/Miles are.

Arnie gives Rose a heartfelt speech about how he likes her & if she likes him, too, it should be for him being him…which is really hypocritical when I know that he pops back up in a few years as Miles Webber to date her again…and then it turns out that Miles isn’t his name either and he’s in the Federal Witness Relocation Program.

Way to be yourself, whoever-you-are-old-guy.

Anyway, just as things get all mushy & they kiss, Rose feels guilty, runs to the bathroom & holds onto her womanhood.

Back at the Golden House, the other Golden Girls are up late, drinking tea and eating (a common theme), while Blanche is still in disbelief that Rose could be so chaste.

Dorothy asks Blanche how long she waited after her hubby died to sex it up & Sophia says, “Until the paramedics came”, which I think was an unintended double-entendre. Ha!Blanche says that the minister who presided over her dead husband’s funeral wanted to “fill her with the holy spirit”! (my words; her sentiment) and she relates – in a story that goes on FOREVER – how after the minister’s wife died, they got it on & then he dumped her.

The 3 of them talk about sagging parts & Sophia calls Blanche a whore.

Man, I miss this show.

Next, we’re back on the boat, where it’s the next morning & Rose is still in the bathroom.

After Arnie/Miles begs some (more and for different reasons than from the night before, I assume), Rose comes out.

She apologizes for not being DTF & we find out it’s been 15 years since the last time she received penis into her vagina.

Then she says something really sweet: That she felt like she’d be cheating on Charlie if she made love to Miles the Liar. (That’s his new nickname.)

Miles the Liar says he felt the same way after his wife died, but he slept around anyway. No joke.

Then, Rose drops the real bomb shell: She fucked Charlie to death.

I kid you not.

He died of a massive coronary while deep inside the former Sue Ann Nivens (Look it up).

SIDE NOTE 3: I prayed that Rose would say she was also relating a St. Olaf story when it happened, but some dreams are just too big (I assume).

After hearing he could die from the pleasures of Rose’s sweet, fragrant flower, Miles the Liar responds:They hug and – though we don’t see it – spend an evening making passionate, geriatric love, followed by a morning of rubbing each other down with Bengay (I assume).

Once Rose is home, she tells the girls about how she broke her 15-year dry spell & I cried a little inside.

Then Blanche talks about a couple guys she fucked in college.

Roll Credits. St. Olaf Stories: 0 (sadly)
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with: 4
Picture It Stories from Sophia: 0
Number of Times Dorothy complained about teaching & her ex: 0 (surprisingly)

Unanswered Question: What position did Charlie die in? 

Episode 4: Transplant

The episode starts in the living room, with Blanche telling Rose how much she hates her own youngest sister (Virginia), while arranging flowers so the house looks nice when Virginia arrives.

Women do that sort of thing even when they can’t stand someone, I guess?

Blanche talks about how people from the South sleep with their siblings. No joke.

Sophia enters & says that if she hated her own sister, she’d put Vaseline on the tips of her walker. Ha!

Dorothy comes home with a baby and I wondered aloud how far along IVF was back then:Blanche gets all pissed because she’s been cleaning the house for that sister she hates & she doesn’t want the baby pooping everywhere.SIDE NOTE: Wrong show, Original Little Richie from Family Matters.

Anyway, Blanche doesn’t like her sister because when Virginia was born, Blanche stopped getting all their parents’ attentions.

SIDE NOTE 2: That’s also when Blanche learned that there are “attention” whores (I assume).

Virginia finally shows up & after dinner, she & Blanche trade Southern-Christian Bitch insults, mostly involving hairdo’s, decorating, food, aging, weight loss & money.

Then her sister delivers a low-blow, calling Blanche saggy-tits & calling for a truce before Blanche can retaliate, but Blanche beats her to the punch by asking Virginia about her turkey-like waddle neck.

In Sophia’s bedroom, she, Dorothy & Rose are trying to keep the baby quiet, but it has colic.

Rose suggests they give it brandy like she did for her kids. No joke.

Sophia likes that idea & tells a short, Picture It, Sicily story, ending with how she nursed Dorothy’s brother ’til he was 12.

We fade to dinner that evening with Blanche & her sister at a restaurant. They argue. A lot.

Then they argue some more and it turns out that when they were young(er), Virginia stole the only man (Tom) that Blanche ever loved (try not to snicker).Blanche then had to be the bridesmaid at their wedding.

Anyhoo, Virginia eventually reveals that Tom cheated on her (which Blanche says she deserved) and Blanche’s little sis she gets to the real reason for her visit: she’s dying.

Blanche says that explains why she’s looking so much older. No fucking joke. It was brutal.

Back at the Golden House, Sophia is annoying Dorothy by eating Fritos loudly. I think that’s the B-Plot.

Blanche comes home & tells the other Golden Girls that Virginia is dying and wants a kidney.

So, all the Golden Girls eat & talk about how if it was their own kids needing a kidney, they’d be ready to go under the knife, but they don’t know what they’d do/say for a sibling.

The next day, Virginia comes over to the Golden House for a kidney & Sophia chastises Blanche for not “being there” for her family.

When the question of Blanche & Virginia’s other sister’s kidney comes up, they bond a little over what a bitch the 3rd sister is.

After a hug, Virginia leaves & she & Blanche agree to meet up in Atlanta for the surgery, if Blanche agrees to have it.

SIDE NOTE 3: Virginia was a real bitch, but it seems unusually cruel to make her leave & wait days & days to find out if she’s gonna die.

Eventually, Blanche decides to give her sister the kidney:The next day, Dorothy returns her grandson(?) and Rose tells a really long story, but it didn’t take place in St. Olaf, so I won’t recount it here.

Suddenly, Blanche comes back, unannounced, from Atlanta & says that a retired, Mormon, school teacher died & Virginia used that lady’s kidney instead of hers and – as it turns out – Blanche’s blood vessels were too small, anyway, which Blanche takes as a “petite” compliment.

Having been saved from having to save her dying sister, Blanche says she’s gonna fuck the doctor that gave her the initial exam. Sophia calls her a hooker, then Blanche suggests they all head to a bar she knows of, where former astronauts hang out/drink, so she can destroy her liver & vagina.

Rose suggests ice cream in the kitchen instead & everyone agrees.

Roll Credits.

St. Olaf Stories: 0 (sadly)
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with: 3
Picture It Stories from Sophia: 1 (Yay!)

Number of Times Dorothy complained about teaching & her ex: 1
Unanswered Question: Who’s fucking kid was that? 

Episode 5: The Triangle

SIDE NOTE: A love triangle?

The Episode starts with Sophia heading over to her friend Mildred’s to watch a porno.

I am NOT making that up.Dorothy stops her by claiming she (Sophia) needs to see her doctor and have some check-up tests done, then Rose brings Sophia some soup, just cuz.

Blanche returns home from an exhaustive afternoon of shopping and goes to her room, to relax.

Anyway, it turns out that Sophia’s doctor makes house calls, which leads Rose to tell a St. Olaf Story! about how all the people & animals in St. Olaf see the same doc/vet. Ha!

So, the House Doctor shows up:And Sophia insults him while Dorothy macks on him, hard.

Within 30 seconds, Dorothy’s found out that he’s new to the city, lives close by, is divorced & then asks him out to the local crab place.

Of course, the mention of crabs brings Blanche out from her room in a new dress and she eye-fucks the good doctor from 10 feet away.

Dorothy begs Blanche to toss her this bone, just once and Blanche agrees to not date, fuck or date-fuck the good doctor.

After my pee break, we fade to an evening in the Golden House.

Dorothy is headed out for what we learn is like her 6th date in a row with Dr. Feelgood & Blanche insults her outfit.

Dorothy goes to change & the Doctor (Elliott) shows up and instantly starts flirting with Blanche and asks her out a few moments later:Actually, in a rare showing of ho’s before bro’s, Blanche tells Elliott to keep his hands to himself and that she’s not interested.

Next, Elliott & Dorothy leave on their date and Blanche confides in Rose that the doctor hit on her.

Rose tells Blanche that she needs to tell Dorothy what kind of man Elliott is, but Blanche is worried about losing Dorothy’s friendship, fearful of misplaced blame.

When Dorothy comes home from her date & Blanche tells her what happened, Dorothy calls her a liar.

When Blanche questions why she would lie about such a thing, Dorothy says it’s because she’s jealous & she calls Blanche a SLUT.

SIDE NOTE 2: If I was Blanche, I would’ve kicked Dorothy out of the Golden House and let Sophia stay there rent-free, out of spite.

The next morning, Dorothy confronts Elliott about the whole thing & he denies, denies, denies, so she insults Blanche again & Blanche tells her to get the hell out of the Golden House!Late that night (while Rose is having milk & cookies), Sophia comes into the kitchen & she & Rose talk about all the drama.

Rose asks what they should do about it & Sophia tells one of her world-famous stories:The story ends with Sophia saying that they need to stay out of it, with an epilogue about how she once lost a man to Mama Celeste:The next morning, Elliott comes over to take Dorothy golfing.

While Dorothy looks for her putting gloves, Rose comes on to the doctor, trying to recreate his indiscreet moment with Blanche.

Elliott doesn’t take the bait, but he does admit aloud how he was all up in Blanche’s business just as Dorothy re-enters the room.

Dorothy tells the good doctor to hit the bricks then, grovels to Blanche so she can have a roof over her head now that she’s back to just being an old, divorced, substitute teacher & not a PH.D’s wife.

Blanche forgives her:Finally, Sophia enters with 2 pizzas: one she made; the other is a Mama Celeste-brand.

She asks the girls which tastes better and everyone picks the Mama Celeste pizza.

Sophia calls them all out for not being able to keep a man.

Roll Credits.

St. Olaf Stories: 1

# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with: 1

Picture It Stories from Sophia: 1

Number of Times Dorothy complained about teaching & her ex: 0

Unanswered Question: Where can I find a doctor who makes house calls? 

Episode 6: On Golden Girls

We begin at breakfast in the kitchen.

Blanche enters (the other Golden Girls are already there & eating), worried about her daughter’s marriage, which is not going well. The couple is going on a 2nd honeymoon to Hawaii to try and salvage the love they once had.

Then, Sophia calls Blanche a fat-ass:The B-Plot is Dorothy studying for a French final exam.

SIDE NOTE: Though it hasn’t been mentioned previously, Dorothy is apparently a student as well as teacher.

Anyway, Blanche is going to babysit her grandson (David) while her daughter & hubby lay on the beach, dreaming about whoever they’d rather be with.

The next day, Blanche comes back from the airport, but without David:Eventually, a policeman brings David to the Golden House, where Blanche offers to thank him via her moist vagina.

David was caught trying to stow away on a flight to the Bahamas……and he’s a 14-year-old asshole.

Before heading out to fuck hookers & do some blow, he insults all the Golden Girls (even Rose, who’d made a special meal for his arrival) and makes a Miami Vice reference.Sophia offers to beat David about the head with a melon ball. Ha!

Later that night, Dorothy & Sophia are sharing Sophia’s room, to give David some privacy, but they get on each other’s nerves because Dorothy is trying to study.

Just as they are ready to get to sleep, there’s a ruckus from the the living room.

David invited all of his new asshole (I assume) friends over to play crappy-music, loudly.

Can you spot the 80’s thing in each picture?:Finally, Dorothy tells everybody to get the hell out & David insults all the Golden Girls.

Sophia responds:SIDE NOTE 2: Rightfully so, the audience applauds & cheers this slap.

David goes to the backyard area, all butt-hurt & Blanche asks Sophia if that’s all Italians know how to do: argue & hit people. Sophia tells her that Italians also know how to make love & sing opera. Ha!

Outside, David whines to Blanche that his parents are assholes & are never there for him.

The next morning the Golden Girls have made a list of chores for David to do, so that he feels loved.

Yes, you read that sentence correctly.

That night, David gets caught running away by Dorothy and they have a heart-to-heart talk, where she tells him to stop whining & complaining because things are probably going to get much worse.

No joke.

This advice makes him want to move into the Golden House for some reason & he asks Blanche if he can do so.

The Golden Girls all have a hearty laugh about that & tell him that hes welcome back any time…for visits.

The next night, everyone toasts that the episode is over & that “David, the Asshole Grandson” is going back home:Roll credits.

St. Olaf Stories: 2
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with: 2
Picture It Stories from Sophia: 0
Number of Times Dorothy complained about teaching & her ex: 0

Unanswered Question: When is Parker Lewis Can’t Lose going to be released on DVD?

Episode 7: The Competition

We begin in the kitchen, with Sophia singing & cooking.

Dorothy enters & immediately recognizes the smell of the pasta sauce her mom’s making & wonders what’s going on, since Sophia only makes the sauce on important occasions.

Rose comes in next, wondering what smells so good.

Then Blanche comes in & says she farted. Ha! Just Kidding.

Blanche enters (ball in-hand):She & Rose are in a bowling competition and suddenly, Dorothy remembers she’s good at bowling & Sophia remarks that she herself is even better than Dorothy (like Sophia is at everything in life; her words, not mine).

Dorothy wants her & her mom to enter the competition, but Sophia can’t, because a guy she was engaged to in Sicily before the war – Augustine – is coming to Miami for some sweet great-grandma lovin (I assume).

The next day, Sophia dresses all in black like a widow, so that Augustine knows she’s available (her words, not mine) and he arrives:Sophia & Augustine go for a walk.

Back in the kitchen, Rose dumps Blanche in the bowling competition to snag Dorothy as her partner and Blanche hooks up with one-half of last year’s winners (for the bowling competition, not sex…I assume).

Rose tells Dorothy that if they don’t win, she’s gonna beat her up. No joke.

The next day, Augustine invites Sophia back to Italy for a local festival & Dorothy forbids her from going. Mother & daughter argue.

Finally, Sophia tells it like it is:Rose sides with Sophia, cuz she wants to live and then dumps Dorothy as her bowling partner; teaming-up with the other half of last year’s winning team.

Blanche leaves, and when she returns, says that last year winners (twin sisters) have teamed back up.

SIDE NOTE: The twins had been feuding over the same guy, but he dropped dead so they’re totally bff’s again!

Oh, no! where’d our bowling competition go?

So, Blanche & Rose team up, as do Rose & Sophia, cuz we still have 12 minutes left in the episode.

SIDE NOTE 2: I figured Dorothy & Sophia were gonna make a bet over the game. If Sophia wins, Dorothy pays for her to go to Sicily for the festival; if Dorothy wins, it’s Shady Pines-time, but that didn’t happen.

After my pee break, it’s an undetermined amount of time later and Blanche is sleeping at the kitchen table, having a sex dream:Dorothy wakes Blanche from her dream of sexing the President of NBC & Blanche tells her about some married guy she used to bang.

Rose & Sophia show up & Dorothy & Sophia make a very similar bet to the one in my SIDE NOTE. (Except the bet is a plane ticket for Sophia or a pair of antique earrings Dorothy covets from her mother, depending on the victor.)

Anyway, Bowling:Inside, while the girls are warming up, Blanche stakes out an alley that’s next to the Men’s Room, so when its door opens, she can see some weiner.

Dorothy enjoys the view as well. No joke.

Rose & Sophia show up & we find out that last year’s winners (The Neilsen Twins) are busy at their cheating man’s funeral, so now the tournament is anybody’s win.

Next, some psychological warfare comes into play as Rose calls Sophia “mom” & Rose tells Blanche she’s small-titted.Sophia’s up first & rolls the ball granny-underhand……and gets a Strike!

Frame-by-frame the Golden Girls do their best to out-bowl one another.

In the end, it comes down to Blanche’s & Dorothy’s last frame.

Blanche is up 1st; if she chokes, they might lose. 

SIDE NOTE 3: Since it’s Blanche & not choking we’re talking about, this seems like a sure thing, doesn’t it?

Contrary to (probable) reputation, Blanche DOES choke, extending the lead held by Sophia & Rose, who shake their tits at Ms. Devereaux:When Blanche tries to pick up the spare(s), she manages to knock down 2 pins & calls it a “personal triumph”, which I laughed out loud at.

Then, Augustine shows up, wondering if Sophia can go to Sicily.

Dorothy misses her shot on purpose so her mom can get some old, Italian penis out on a Venice gandola.

SIDE NOTE 4: I wrote that sentence before the scene. Let’s see if I have to change anything:Nope.

Gutterball!

A few weeks later, Sophia returns & tells Dorothy how most of her friends in Sicily are dead and she gives Dorothy those antique earrings, because she knows Dorothy threw the game and, cuz love.

Sophia leaves & Rose enters with a trophy she had made by a local trophy shop.

It says that they’re ALL winners.Roll Credits.

St. Olaf Stories: 0 (sadly)
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with: 3
Picture It Stories from Sophia: 0
Number of Times Dorothy complained about teaching & her ex: 0

Unanswered Question: Will we ever see Augustine again?