SIDE NOTE:After we’re thanked for being a friend for the 1st time this Season, we head to a garage.
I’m not sure if it’s the garage of the Golden House but nonetheless, Dorothy, Sophia & Rose are in it, cleaning cages that will soon house minks that will then be killed for their fur.
Rose (sweet as she is) expresses hope that they can harvest (?) the fur without killing the minks, but says she understands and explains how back home – but she doesn’t say St. Olaf, so it doesn’t count – farmers sometimes love their animals but still have to kill them because it’s all a part of the cycle of life:Rose then mentions how All Animals Go to Heaven……and Sophia says everybody must wear boots in Heaven.
Then Sophia helps Dorothy complain about her ex (Stan) and they all get moist over how fab they’ll look once they’re wearing a bunch of dead minks.
Blanche enters with some great/horrible news:Everyone’s (somehow) shocked and Rose faints.
No joke:When Rose comes to, Dorothy asks Blanche if she’s sure she’s preggers and not just fat and Blanche tells her that she just took a home pregnancy test.
SIDE NOTE 2: Instead of the usual “1 or 2 lines” or “plus sign”, Blanche says that if the strip stays red after you whiz on it, you don’t have to schedule an appointment at the abortion clinic, but if it turns light pink or grey, then you’ve just ruined 18 years of your (and probably your kid’s) life.
Do any of my female readers know if home pregnancy tests back in the 80’s were this complicated…and isn’t the strip turning from red to light pink a little odd & too-similar-a-color?
They all argue over what color the strip really is, with guesses ranging from lavender to puce:Dorothy finally breaks up the rousing game of “Guess This Pee Stain” by asking Blanche who the father is:Actually, Blanche says her Aunt Flo hasn’t visited in 11 weeks and she’d just been too busy fucking to notice.
No fucking joke.
Then she goes to her room and comes back out with her day planner and narrows the number of possibilities down to
10 Men! I shit you not.
Before my pee break, Sophia reminds Blanche how close to death she’ll be by the time the little tyke graduates High School. Harsh!
After I didn’t pee on a strip, it’s the next day & we’re back in the Garage where it’s come to my attention that the Golden Girls aren’t just raising minks, they’re trying to breed them, two to a cell, but it’s not going well:Sophia enters and calls them perverts for trying to watch minks fuck all the time. Ha!
Blanche comes home from her doctor, who told her the cold, hard truth:Ok, he actually told her she isn’t pregnant, just old & dried-up aka menopausal.
Rose tries to comfort Blanche by apologizing about thinking Blanche is a whore (she says this word for word) and that now she really regrets it, since Blanche is so close to dying:A week later, Blanche has barely come out of her room for cheesecake, so the other Golden Girls decide she needs to see a shrink & they accompany her.
In the doc’s waiting room, Sophia plays a game of: “Who’s the psychopath?” as each person leaves the doc’s room:Blanche finally gets in to see the shrink and while she’s getting sane, Dorothy & Sophia argue over whether another guy in the waiting room – who looks like he’s talking to himself, but could just have slippery dentures – is crazy.
So, Sophia just gets up and asks him and he is & lacking any artistic segue, Sophia leaves for lunch.
In Blanche’s head-shrinking session……and in a surprising turn, Blanche isn’t all better at the end of her 3-minute psychiatric session, but that’s because there’s still 14 minutes left in the Episode.
The doctor basically tells her that the only thing that’s changing for her is that she can’t have kids.
SIDE NOTE 3: I kind of expected him to also mention that she doesn’t have to worry about getting pregnant anymore and that some women find the whole thing to be the beginning of a very liberated sex life, but I guess he’s not as enlightened as Me.
FYI: Blanche told him she just feels older & closer to death and then we’re back home and the Golden Girls spend the next 10 minutes or so talking about their periods & menopause.
Then a veterinarian shows up, cuz every vocation makes house calls in 1980’s Miami!, and says that none of the minks (es)? are mating because they’re menopausal:
Suddenly – due to the vet’s sexy, middle-aged, tanned, leathery skin & feathered hair – Blanche feels her vagina moisten and realizes she can now become the whore she always intended, consequence-free: The next day, the Golden Girls are deciding what to do with the minks (es?) since they’re too old to breed and after they decide to keep them anyway, they catch 2 of the males getting it on:Roll Credits.
St. Olaf Stories: 0
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with: 11
“Picture It” Stories from Sophia: 0
Dorothy complained about teaching and/or her ex: 1
Unanswered Question: Will we ever see the minks (es?) again?