Episode 1: End of the Curse

SIDE NOTE:After we’re thanked for being a friend for the 1st time this Season, we head to a garage.

I’m not sure if it’s the garage of the Golden House but nonetheless, Dorothy, Sophia & Rose are in it, cleaning cages that will soon house minks that will then be killed for their fur.

Rose (sweet as she is) expresses hope that they can harvest (?) the fur without killing the minks, but says she understands and explains how back home – but she doesn’t say St. Olaf, so it doesn’t count – farmers sometimes love their animals but still have to kill them because it’s all a part of the cycle of life:Rose then mentions how All Animals Go to Heaven…and Sophia says everybody must wear boots in Heaven. 
Ha!

Then Sophia helps Dorothy complain about her ex (Stan) and they all get moist over how fab they’ll look once they’re wearing a bunch of dead minks.

Blanche enters with some great/horrible news:Everyone’s (somehow) shocked and Rose faints.

No joke:When Rose comes to, Dorothy asks Blanche if she’s sure she’s preggers and not just fat and Blanche tells her that she just took a home pregnancy test.

SIDE NOTE 2: Instead of the usual “1 or 2 lines” or “plus sign”, Blanche says that if the strip stays red after you whiz on it, you don’t have to schedule an appointment at the abortion clinic, but if it turns light pink or grey, then you’ve just ruined 18 years of your (and probably your kid’s) life.
Do any of my female readers know if home pregnancy tests back in the 80’s were this complicated…and isn’t the strip turning from red to light pink a little odd & too-similar-a-color?

They all argue over what color the strip really is, with guesses ranging from lavender to puce:Dorothy finally breaks up the rousing game of  “Guess This Pee Stain” by asking Blanche who the father is:Actually, Blanche says her Aunt Flo hasn’t visited in 11 weeks and she’d just been too busy fucking to notice.
No fucking joke.

Then she goes to her room and comes back out with her day planner and narrows the number of possibilities down to 
10 Men! I shit you not.

Before my pee break, Sophia reminds Blanche how close to death she’ll be by the time the little tyke graduates High School. Harsh!

After I didn’t pee on a strip, it’s the next day & we’re back in the Garage where it’s come to my attention that the Golden Girls aren’t just raising minks, they’re trying to breed them, two to a cell, but it’s not going well:Sophia enters and calls them perverts for trying to watch minks fuck all the time. Ha!

Blanche comes home from her doctor, who told her the cold, hard truth:Ok, he actually told her she isn’t pregnant, just old & dried-up aka menopausal.

Rose tries to comfort Blanche by apologizing about thinking Blanche is a whore (she says this word for word) and that now she really regrets it, since Blanche is so close to dying:A week later, Blanche has barely come out of her room for cheesecake, so the other Golden Girls decide she needs to see a shrink & they accompany her.

In the doc’s waiting room, Sophia plays a game of: “Who’s the psychopath?” as each person leaves the doc’s room:Blanche finally gets in to see the shrink and while she’s getting sane, Dorothy & Sophia argue over whether another guy in the waiting room – who looks like he’s talking to himself, but could just have slippery dentures – is crazy.

So, Sophia just gets up and asks him and he is & lacking any artistic segue, Sophia leaves for lunch.

In Blanche’s head-shrinking session……and in a surprising turn, Blanche isn’t all better at the end of her 3-minute psychiatric session, but that’s because there’s still 14 minutes left in the Episode.

The doctor basically tells her that the only thing that’s changing for her is that she can’t have kids.

SIDE NOTE 3: I kind of expected him to also mention that she doesn’t have to worry about getting pregnant anymore and that some women find the whole thing to be the beginning of a very liberated sex life, but I guess he’s not as enlightened as Me.

FYI: Blanche told him she just feels older & closer to death and then we’re back home and the Golden Girls spend the next 10 minutes or so talking about their periods & menopause.

Then a veterinarian shows up, cuz every vocation makes house calls in 1980’s Miami!, and says that none of the minks (es)? are mating because they’re menopausal:

Suddenly – due to the vet’s sexy, middle-aged, tanned, leathery skin & feathered hair – Blanche feels her vagina moisten and realizes she can now become the whore she always intended, consequence-free: The next day, the Golden Girls are deciding what to do with the minks (es?) since they’re too old to breed and after they decide to keep them anyway, they catch 2 of the males getting it on:Roll Credits.

St. Olaf Stories: 0
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with:
11
“Picture It” Stories from Sophia:
0
Dorothy complained about teaching and/or her ex:
1

Unanswered Question: Will we ever see the minks (es?) again?

Advertisements

Episode 2: Ladies of the Evening

This week’s episode starts with an exterminator visiting the Golden House:Blanche enters and says she won tickets to the premiere of a Hollywood movie (in Miami!) AND 3 backstage passes for an after-party that will be attended by none other than the star of the film himself, Mr. Burt Reynolds:SIDE NOTE: I’d just like to point out:Anyway, the girls all hoot & holler, cuz Burt Reynolds was still popular and not married to Loni Anderson yet, and then Sophia realizes she’ll be the one missing out on seeing The Bandit backstage:But Blanche agrees to take Sophia as far as a hotel they’re all staying at while the Golden House is fumigated and they all get moist thinking about Burt Reynold’s chest hair:Once they’re settled into the hotel, Sophia uses a bathroom phone to call Rose in the main room, pretending Rose won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes and for her to come downstairs and to leave her movie ticket on the dresser to claim her prize. Ha!

Then Blanche talks about a guy she used to get moist for, who isn’t Burt Reynolds.

Before my pee break, everyone goes downstairs to the hotel’s restaurant/bar and a bunch of unappealing guys (even by Bea Arthur standards) rush over:Next, all those guys make a bunch of obvious, lame references to buying sex, leading Blanche, Dorothy and (eventually) Rose to discover that the hotel they’re staying at is a brothel (for the weekend):Suddenly, a few cops bust in & tell everybody that they’re under arrest.

After my pee break, Rose tells the tale of how she thinks her eventual escape from prison will go and Dorothy & Blanche try to convince the main cop that they’re not old, dirty whores, but he mistakes their attempted explanations for bribery and hauls them off to the pokey:Down at the jail, an old prostitute mistakes Blanche for an even older prostitute and in return, Blanche calls all her unknown cellmates “trash”, which almost leads to a fight that’s narrowly avoided by Dorothy “manning” up:Fight averted, Dorothy complains about how all the students she substitute-teaches are like criminals, cuz character trait.

Hey, speaking of character traits, while we’re waiting for Sophia to bail them all out of jail (I assume), Rose tells a St. Olaf story about how she trained from a very young age (’til about age 16) to be the St. Olaf “Butter Queen”, a title she never won.Then, unbelievably, a hooker named Meg who’s been listening in on the story from 2 bunks over says she’s from St. Gustav – a neighbor-town of Rose’s:Instead of chastising Meg (or even being mad that she was eavesdropping), Rose tells Meg that if she ever wants someone to talk to about the crushing misery of letting some guy doodle your starfish for rent money, to give her a call.

Sophia shows up and cackles at the thought that the cops were stupid enough to think that any guy would pay to bang Maude & her geriatric friends.

Then she steals the Burt Reynolds tickets and takes off:Finally, we fade to a few days after the movie & bail as Sophia regales her roommates with tales of hobnobbing with C-list celebrities.

Then the doorbell rngs and I thought I remembered it being Burt Reynolds, but it’s Meg #2, stopping by to say she’s giving up hooking and headed back to Minnesota and for Rose not to worry about how she got her address (I assume).

Then Burty shows up:Loni’s ex is there to pick up Sophia for lunch.

SIDE NOTE 2: In a funny moment, Burt Reynolds looks at Blanche, Rose & Dorothy and asks Sophia which one is the slut.

Their response:Roll Credits.

St. Olaf Stories: 1
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with: 3
“Picture It” Stories from Sophia: 0
Dorothy complained about teaching and/or her ex: 2

Unanswered Question: How far is St. Gustav from St. Olaf?

Episode 3: Take Him, He’s Mine

The episode starts with Sophia convincing Rose that the 2 of them should go into business together, making sandwiches:Dorothy enters, dressed up for a date with a Commodore:SIDE NOTE: It’s a Navy position.

But before Dorothy can get out of the Golden House and on top of Jeffrey (her date), Stan – her ex – shows up:Sophia calls Stan a pedophile (hard to argue, given his mustache) and Dorothy insults him, but Stan asks Dorothy into the living room where he tells her he ran his successful-for-22-years business…

SIDE NOTE 2: Mustache Comb Store?

…into the ground.

He follows this up by admitting to her that he doesn’t want to be alone tonight.

Dorothy responds:Feeling pity for Stan (but not willing to miss a chance for some lovin’), Dorothy convinces Blanche to go out with Stan by offering to introduce her to all of Jeffrey’s Naval buddies:Much later that night, Sophia & Rose are planning their sandwich-selling day, starting with the fact that they forgot to pick up some key condiments and will now be offering a “BLP“: Bacon, Lettuce & Potato Sandwich:Eventually, Blanche comes home from her date, claiming that even though Stan was cheap and overly-mustachioed, she hasn’t had such an interesting evening since she fucked a Sports Team from Nicaragua and she’s doing it again (another date with Stan, I mean…although probably the other thing, too, some day).

A few days later (at 5am) Rose & Sophia are headed out with their (selling surprisingly-well?) sandwiches & Dorothy interrupts their departure to talk about how she got dumped:SIDE NOTE 3: Sophia & Rose are heading out so early with their lunch sandwiches because they want a better location than they’ve had for the past few days.

Apparently, some Mafia guy named “Johnny No Thumbs” has been getting the best spot.

When Dorothy warns her mom that it’s probably not the best idea to steal a spot from a guy with no thumbs, Sophia makes the astute observation that if his Mafioso buddies liked him any, he’d still have his thumbs. Ha!

Then Blanche comes home from another date with Stan:After my pee break, it’s a few days later at the grocery store & Dorothy is all butt-hurt that Blanche has been dating Stan, even though Blanche claims she hasn’t slept with him.

She & Dorothy make-up in the tampon aisle and as Blanche walks away, she says she’s glad the 2 of them talked it all out, because she’s going out with Stan again, later that night.

Of course, Dorothy is NOT ok with Stan tending to Blanche’s lady-plumbing:But Dorothy keeps her feelings to herself, thinking Blanche will come to her senses when Stan takes off his toupee.

Later, Sophia recounts a story about moving to America, which (tenuously) leads she and Rose to decide to get out of the sandwich business.

SIDE NOTE 4: Also, because kind-hearted Rose has started taking IOU’s instead of cash for their BLP’s:Meanwhile, Dorothy goes to Stan’s local hotel to confront Blanche & finds Stan getting ready to jerk it to Suzanne Somers on TV:But – instead of Blanche – some cheap tart Stan picked up is in his bed:Dorothy chastises Stan for trying to hook up every woman he meets with free cable, then leaves.

Once home, Dorothy & Blanche hug & make-up & Blanche says she feels “Magenta”, which is a color (not a feeling).

SIDE NOTE 5: It’s also the 2nd week the writers have put in some bullshit color (2 weeks ago it was Puce) to vaguely describe an emotion, instead of buying a Thesaurus.

But, oh well, right? Fuck it.

Blanche feels:Roll Credits.

St. Olaf Stories: 0
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with:
13
“Picture It” Stories from Sophia:
0
Dorothy complained about teaching and/or her ex:
8

Unanswered Question:What kind of business did Stan lose?

Episode 4: It’s a Miserable Life

SIDE NOTE: In one of the few instances I can recall it happening in the series, this Episode starts by showing not just the outside of the Golden House, but a car in the driveway as well:Inside, Sophia & Dorothy are counting the signatures they’ve managed to get on a petition to save a 200-year-old Oak Tree from being sawed down by a grumpy neighbor-lady, on whose property it sets.

Blanche comes in; she’s been gone for several hours and only has 3 signatures. 

When Dorothy asks her WTF, Blanche says, and I quote:Rose comes home & is the only one who thinks the neighbor-lady (Frieda) might be (or might’ve been) a good person, deep down inside. She shares a St. Olaf story about her childhood local dentist/librarian who was mean all the time & made sure that people he disliked were illiterate and snaggle-toothed:The point of the story (I think) is that one day, Rose did something nice for him (saved his life) and he was nice to her after that. So now, Rose knows that – deep down – everybody is good at heart. Aww.

Also, the librarian only let people check books out for 1 hour at a time, cuz fuck ’em.

Next, 3 of the Golden Girls (sans Rose) go to the Courthouse for a town meeting about saving the tree, but Rose does show up, claiming she bribed Frieda with baked goodies and now Frieda will help save the tree.

SIDE NOTE 2: Man, I haven’t seen so many women get so worked up about wood since my outdoor shower this morning:Blanche is pretty sure that the committee will take her side because she fucked 2 of the Commissioners:Before my pee break, Frieda shows up & says that she only told Rose she’d help save the tree because her diabetes told her to; she’s really there to see to it that the Town Council chops it down because she hates people & trees:At the meeting, the Council first unanimously votes “no” on allowing the Puerto Rican Boy Band Menudo to perform anywhere near Miami — robbing us all of an early Ricky Martin TV appearance:Blanche gets up to speak on behalf of the tree.

When Dorothy asks her why, Blanche says she’s a great ORAtor.

When Dorothy explains what that word really means, Blanche doesn’t believe her:SIDE NOTE 3: While everyone is arguing about the tree, Frieda mentions she has pictures of Blanche & men hard-as-oak in Blanche’s bedroom and one of the Councilmen asks if the identity of any of the men can be made out in the pics. Ha!

Anyhoo, Frieda goes on a rant about how she hates trees and wishes Smokey the Bear would die in a forest fire (my words, her sentiment) and finally, Rose has had all she can take and tells Frieda that if she doesn’t have anything nice to say to shut up or die…and Frieda drops dead:After my pee break, it’s nighttime and Rose is awake, feeling guilty. Dorothy tries to console her by telling her it was just a coincidence, but Blanche comes home (from a date, obviously) and tells Rose to cheer up, it’s been a couple days since she killed that nasty, old woman. Harsh!

Then they all east cheesecake and Blanche talks about how – at one point in her teen years – she faked her death, cuz she wanted to find out how many fornicators could fit in a funeral home?I don’t know the point of the story, really, but ultimately, Blanche’s dad shipped her off to a religious boarding school, which sounds like a way more interesting tale.

Next, Sophia enters, telling everybody to shut the hell up because she needs her sleep since she’s going to Frieda’s funeral tomorrow, because you give respect to life, even if the person was Horrible, right Hagard?

The other Golden Girls agree to go to the funeral and even chip in for its cost, since Frieda didn’t have any relatives, though Sophia figures Rose should pay about half, since Rose is the one who killed her and all.The next day, Sophia, Rose, Dorothy & Blanche go to a funeral home, hoping to score a cheap casket, but the least expensive one is $6,000.

SIDE NOTE 4: When Rose complains that her 1st house didn’t cost that much, I thought the funeral director let a really good lay-up fall to the side as he didn’t respond to Rose’s comment. I would’ve said something like, “but you’ll be able to live in this thing for the rest of eternity.” Bada Boom!

The Golden Girls finally settle on a pine box for $200 and refuse to have the viewing/service on Thursday night since The Cosby Show is on — I shit you not:They settle on Friday & Blanche says she hopes that when she herself dies, it’s while having sex.

At the funeral, Sophia’s listening to a baseball game on headphones, when ONE old woman finally shows up to pay her respects:SIDE NOTE 5: My words, her sentiment.

The old punter up there said some nice things at first (when she thought the lady in the box was a different person), then sprained her foot when she learned the truth.

Finally, the funeral director says the high school student they hired to run the burner got mixed up and Frieda got cremated.

He gives the urn to the Golden Girls.

After a day or two at home, Blanche thinks the urn is haunted because she’s hearing funny noises, which turn out to be Sophia’s farts.

Rose comes home & says she sprinkled Frieda’s ashes around that old oak tree she hated and now the city council won’t cut it down:Then a Great Dane came along & peed on the tree (seriously).Roll Credits. 

 St. Olaf Stories: 1
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with: 9
“Picture It” Stories from Sophia: 0
Dorothy complained about teaching and/or her ex: 1
Unanswered Question: How tall was the tree?

Episode 5: Isn’t It Romantic?

The episode starts with Sophia watching a porno she rented (I am not joking.)

Soon, Dorothy joins her:Next, Rose & Blanche enter, with Blanche mentioning that she’s experienced all that stuff Dorothy & Sophia are watching (probably on the way home from the flower store):All this sex talk reminds Dorothy that her recently-widowed friend (Jean) is coming to visit (she arrives within seconds) & Rose heads to the kitchen to make Clown-Face Ice Cream Sundaes that are almost as sweet as she is.

Jean is a lesbian & Sophia shows a surprisingly progressive attitude about lesbianism for an elderly, Italian, Catholic widow by saying that people like what they like and she’d rather live with a lesbian than a cat. Ha!

Then, Clown-Face Sundaes:Blanche comes in & offers to take Jean out to all the great spots in Miami (bar, hotel, hotel alley) to pick up some men.

SIDE NOTE: I forgot to mention that Blanche & Rose don’t know Jean’s gay.

We fade to late-night cheesecake & tea, cuz character traits and Jean & Rose bond over growing up on a farm.

Rose asks Jean out to a movie for the next afternoon and Jean accepts.

Oh, what wacky hijinks I assume are about to take place!Then Rose made a joke about a cow they had on her farm that fell over after being hooked up to a milking machine and how that made the heffer popular during mating season.

SIDE NOTE 2: I guess the writers were going after that elusive “farm wife who has time to watch NBC” demographic?

The next morning, it’s storming outside while Blanche tells Dorothy that the rain reminds her of her 1st kiss, which happened in the shower.

Blanche also thinks since Jean hasn’t taken her up on her offer of trolling for dudes in the 8 hours since she offered, that must mean Jean is fucking a married guy, cuz…sure?

Then Rose & Jean come home from their movie:Rose & Blanche head to bed (separately) and Jean confesses to Dorothy that she hasn’t met anybody as sweet, honest & as good as Rose since her partner Pat died. She confesses to Dorothy that she’s falling in love with Rose.

Later, Dorothy stays awake, unable to understand why even lesbians want Rose, yet Dorothy’s bed stays as cold as her witchy titties:When she shares this concern with Sophia, her mother tells her that she’s too old to be switching teams. Harsh!

Blanche comes in because Sophia woke her up with all that laughing about her pathetically-lonely daughter.

Sophia & Dorothy tell Blanche that Jean is a lesbian:Actually – at first – Blanche thinks they mean that Jean is Lebanese, which – if memory serves – was a bit Ellen Degeneres did on some talk show, as a way of talking about her sexuality without really doing so:The 3 of them get up to eat cheesecake and drink tea but get sidetracked in the living room where Rose & Jean are playing cards.

SIDE NOTE 3: Blanche spends the next few minutes trying to make Jean lust after her, to no avail.

Eventually, Dorothy & Blanche exit with no explanation and over a card game, Rose tells Jean about how she never went to Prom because the guy she liked was banging St. Olaf’s resident-Blanche.

Hours later, Rose & Jean finally decide to retire for the evening and Rose suggests Jean sleep in her room so as not to wake Dorothy, which makes no sense since it was established a few scenes ago that Dorothy was sleeping in her mom’s room, so maybe Rose is looking to swing in the other direction?:Half an hour later, Jean tells Rose that she wants to “scissor”:Rose then pretends to fall back asleep and the next morning, Jean leaves without telling anyone anything about their evening.

SIDE NOTE 4: Prior to the Golden Girls discovering Jean was gone, Dorothy asked Sophia if Jean slept with her (as in sleeping, in bed) the night before and Sophia responds that while she wants to try a number of things before she dies, carpet munching isn’t one of them:Jean returns, apologizing to Rose in case she made the Minnesotan feel uncomfortable.

Rose says that she wasn’t uncomfortable, just surprised & even kinda flattered:Then they hug, Lebanese-style.

Roll Credits.

St. Olaf Stories: 1
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with:
4
“Picture It” Stories from Sophia:
0
Dorothy complained about teaching and/or her ex:
1

Unanswered Question: How did Jean & Pat meet?

Episode 6: Big Daddy’s Little Lady

The Episode begins in the kitchen with Sophia scanning the obituaries for a new beau. No joke.

When she calls on the 1st widower whose wife died yesterday, he turns down Sophia’s offer of a date because some other old broad beat her to him:Rose enters, telling Dorothy about a music contest that the city of Miami is having.

They want a new song representative of the city:Rose also mentions that while she wrote St. Olaf High School’s Official Song (which mostly consisted of, “Onward St. Olaf, go go go, go go go,” etc.) that lyrics aren’t really her strong suit; she’s better at harmony.

Blanche enters and Dorothy mentions being great at lyrics/poetry, which Rose & Blanche both agree is because Dorothy was tall, awkward & couldn’t get a date throughout her high school years. Harsh!

Blanche then talks about all the dates she got back in High School and the phone rings:Actually, it is Big Daddy on the phone, which is what Blanche calls her Father: SIDE NOTE: Blanche’s dad used to be a Southern Plantation-owner type, but gave up all his slaves to be horrible at singing country music back in Season 1:Anyway, Big Daddy’s coming to the Golden House for a visit, which happens right after Rose almost forgot to tell Dorothy that whoever writes the winning “Miami” Song gets $10,000:SIDE NOTE 2: Right before Big Daddy shows up, Blanche puts on the last of some perfume her dad bought her 21 years ago and asks Dorothy to “smell” her, which wasn’t the least bit odd in theory or execution:Finally, Big Daddy shows up & different actor is playing the part, but since I don’t care for his interpretation of the character, I’m not going to put up his picture.

Anyway, it turns out that Sophia isn’t the only one trolling the obits for some booty: Big Daddy is marrying some woman whose husband is so freshly-dead that everybody calls her “the widow Spencer”.
(Eventually, we find out that her name is Wendy):Before my pee break, it’s announced that Big Daddy is going to get re-married to the “widow Spencer” at the Golden House.

Then Sophia gets a phone call about another local, dead lady and starts planning how to woo her now-available husband (with lasagna, I assume).

Next, Rose & Dorothy sing Blanche the Miami song they’ve written (which made me envy Helen Keller):After my pee break, the “widow Spencer” shows up and is suddenly named Margaret:While Blanche & her dad argue about the hottie he’s banging (who looks a bit like Marilu Henner)Dorothy and Rose argue about their crappy song and Blanche tells her dad that he’s bringing shame on the family via the person he’s dating and she said it without the least hint of hypocrisy, which made me laugh out loud.

Big Daddy tells Blanche to fuck right the fuck off, which leads to all the Golden Girls eating cheesecake in the middle of the night, cuz The Cheesecake Factory had stock in NBC back in the 80’s?:While they all get fat, Rose tells a St. Olaf story about Olly & Molly — a 54-year-old recluse & his 20-something girlfriend/eventual wife – that was supposed to be about love having no age-limits, but it just makes Blanche decide that she needs to stop her Big Daddy’s wedding, while Rose & Dorothy have a late-night jam session for the song-writing contest and compare themselves to Simon & Garfunkel:Big Daddy tells Blanche that he really loves the “widow Spencer” and that the “widow Spencer” loves him and that if Blanche can’t be happy for them, she needs to just stay the fuck away (I’m paraphrasing).

So, Blanche hugs her hot new Mom:A few weeks later, Blanche gets a honeymoon postcard from Big Daddy & the “widow Spencer” and Sophia comments that she’d like to spend a few marital nights fucking Tom Cruise:Finally, Dorothy & Rose come home, defeated.

They won 2nd place in the Miami Song Contest, but Blanche asks them to sing the song that lost anyway, because she still has Daddy issues that she takes out on her viewers.

Roll Credits.

St. Olaf Stories: 2
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with:
3
“Picture It” Stories from Sophia:
0
Dorothy complained about teaching and/or her ex: 1

Unanswered Question: What happened to Big Daddy’s music career?

Episode 7: Family Affair

The Episode begins with Blanche coming home early from her aerobics class; she’s injured herself.

Apparently, there was a hot, new male instructor and when he wanted to help Blanche stretch, she flipped over and onto her back too quickly (her words):Next, Dorothy’s son – Michael – pops in for a visit:SIDE NOTE: Michael’s visit is the A-Plot; Blanche’s woefully-unattended vagina is the B-Plot, if memory serves.

Michael’s a jazz-saxophonist who recently quit his regular gig because the club he played in wanted everybody to wear a suit & tie, but ties just choke your spirit:SIDE NOTE 2: Michael looks like a cross between Gabe Kaplan (Mr. Kotter) and porn-legend John Holmes:SIDE NOTE 3: The guy playing Michael is Scott Jacoby; Scott played the son of a gay guy who wanted to have a public relationship with another gay guy (played by Martin Sheen), but couldn’t because it was the 70’s:( 

The movie was a critically-acclaimed, award-winning hit; the Brokeback Mountain of its day:Next through the door for a visit (and prompting a St. Olaf story) is Rose’s daughter, Bridget:SIDE NOTE 4: Bridget is played by Marilyn Jones and without Googling it, I recall that she was in a couple of failed soap operas in the early-80’s, as well as being in Remington Steele…and Matlock: Contrary to what you might think (and re-affirming my long-held belief that Rose is not slow, just naive and utterly sweet), her daughter Bridget is a genius headed to Oxford. No joke.

The next day, Rose & her daughter spend the day together, doing all kinds of “Country Living” things and Rose tells a couple of St. Olaf stories that I don’t recall, cuz I’m drinking heavily.

Then Blanche finds out from her doctor that she can’t be doing anything physical for the next week and she laments all the fucking she won’t be doing ’til next week’s episode.

Bridget spends that night taking shots at what a loser Michael is, while Dorothy continues her 30+year losing streak to her mother, Sophia, at cards:Bored and tired from tossing insults (Michael & Bridget, respectively), the 2 of them decide to head out for a night on the town.

Later, Rose discovers what they eventually got up to:The next few minutes were the pretty standard fair of everyone being shocked that two, healthy, young people of consensual age forced to spend hours together could possibly get boners for one another.

The mood was lightened when Sophia came in & Michael said, “It’s not what it looks like, Grandma”, and Sophia responded that she might not remember what it feels like, but she sure as hell remembers what it looks like.
Ha!

A few minutes after that were spent in the living room with Rose & Dorothy insulting each other’s kids, which seemed normal but out-of-character (for Rose).

Then Blanche re-tells a story about how she got kicked out of a girl’s school in her youth because of this one guy she kept bringing to her room to ride like a Ferris Wheel:A Few Days Later:Sophia decides to mourn the loss of the innocence of her grandson, Michael:And Blanche talks about sex again:Eventually, Blanche confesses to Dorothy that it’s been 4 days since she had a penis thrust repeatedly into her vagina and then she (seriously) macks on Dorothy:Because the Episode is almost over, Dorothy reconciles with her son, Michael (as does Rose with her daughter, Bridget) and then Blanche defies her doctor’s orders by dressing up and heading out to end the Great Vagina Drought of ’86:St. Olaf Stories: 3
# of Men Blanche referenced sex/had sex with: 4
“Picture It” Stories from Sophia: 0
Dorothy complained about teaching and/or her ex:
1
Unanswered Question:
What was the name of the band Michael played in?